written 9/30/2017
recorded 1/4/2020

Calaboose

Got off work and could not go home
Sick at the thought of a Friday alone
Bought a paperback that I already owned
Wandered downtown with nowhere to go
Sat and read at the brewery park
Until I remembered you’d be there at dark
To watch a movie outside on a sheet
One I think you might have already seen
Packed up for a bar on the square
As it happened, Jake’s last night there
He hugged me hard and poured me a shot
Bought me a beer, too busy to talk
As the warm glow came on
Unfamiliar now that I’m older
And as I found myself lost in thought
I was surprised

Should feel devastated
But I'm just tired
Should feel sad and anxious
But I'm tapped out

Don't know if I can do this again
Barely have the energy to see my friends
Take your time to decide, take me back or don’t
Throw me in the water, see if I float

You’d been sick, you’d had a cold
I offered soup but you said no
You were crying on your couch
Shaking voice said what about
You’d been overworked, for sure
Teaching, reading, writing papers
Had not set us back before
But somehow something’s different now…
When you reach your breaking point
Fingers flat refuse to key
When once we’d do things we enjoy
The last thing you want now is me
I’d arrived feeling great
Excited to tell you about my day
I did not expect last night
To be second-worst one of my life

And now here I am
Sitting outside Calaboose Museum
Sobbing like boy straight into my phone
Telling my mom I should have known

Should feel devastated
And I do, I was lying
Livid, sad, exhausted
All conflated

I would leave, I would move
I would share a house with you
Clear the clutter in your wake
Lie next to you in the grave

Don't know if I can do this again
Don’t even have the fortitude to face my friends
Take your time to decide, love me back or don’t
Throw me in the water, see if I walk on top
Throw me in the water, see if I walk on top
Throw me in the water, see if I walk on top
Or not